Back to school, time for fall, changes are coming...so let's talk about what sometimes happens which is: we get overwhelmed. 😬
There are a lot of emotional experiences out there and we flow through MANY of them in a day, an hour, a minute sometimes (know what I mean?). But overwhelm is something that doesn't dissipate quite like the others and it requires some special handling. We need to be extra careful with this one.
Because: overwhelm can take you out. It can complete derail you and wipe out your sense of confidence, capability, and (let's be honest) sanity.
As things gear up for the school year, this seemed especially timely and important to explore together. Join me for this week's episode of The Transforming Anxiety Podcast and let's talk about overwhelm together...
Text PODCAST to (816) 354-1279 and I’ll send mindfulness reminders, anxiety hacks, and little love notes your way from time-to-time…
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TRANSCRIPT:
Hey there, welcome in today. Alright, so some of you have kids and families that have already headed back to school. Some of you are gearing up for that shift and are just about to send your people back to school. Some of you are educators or staff in the educational system, so you, too, are headed back to work and the daily routine and structure. And for ALL of us, almost no matter what, there is this shift as we welcome the change in seasons and the start of a new school year because it’s just SO ingrained in us, that back-to-school feeling, from years in the school system ourselves. Some of you are just antsy for fall and pumpkin spice and boots and crunchy leaves and I get that, too, haha. Yes. But wherever you are, wherever this conversation finds you, the truth is: things are about to shift. Summer is coming to a close and fall will be upon us and the days are getting shorter here in the northern hemisphere, the cooler weather is coming our way…and we need to prepare ourselves a bit for this change. It’s here anyway, we might as well flow WITH it instead of arguing against it, yeah? So I thought today we’d dig into overwhelm in the hopes that we can be ready for it and look for signs of it, we can notice it when it shows up, and take care of ourselves around it. I’m going to pull from a lot of mindfulness teachers today, and we’re going to visit some of the teachings from Brene Brown and Karla McLaren on this topic. We’ll talk a bit about stress and overwhelm and, as always, anxiety.
So ha, I want to start today by looking at the definition of overwhelm. I feel like we haven’t consulted the dictionary lately, so let’s start there. With just the straight-up definition of overwhelm. And listen, I’m not sure what I thought I was going to find here. But this one surprised me a little bit. The definition of overwhelm is: to bury or drown beneath a huge mass. I mean. That’s relatable. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, the emotion of overwhelm, it kinda feels like the very definition in the dictionary…you are being buried or drowned beneath a huge mass. Ok then. Yeah.
Another definition is: to defeat completely. The hits just keep coming, right? Because, uh huh. There are times we feel just completely defeated. Oh yeah. I also checked out some synonyms…what else does overwhelm mean to us? Well: swamp, engulf, deluge, flood, inundate, overload, overburden…pretty spot on. Yes. This is the felt sense, the experience, of being overwhelmed. Yes.
I want to pause here for a second and juxtapose this with stress. Stress is like, well, this isn’t good. I’m feeling pressure. I’m under the gun. I don’t feel like I’m in flow, I don’t feel comfortable, I’m a bit tense right now. Stress is like: I’m really busy because I have 3 burners going on the stove, a kid asking me for help with their homework, and a phone that won’t stop ringing. Stress is a project that’s due tomorrow that you’re feeling only so-so about. That’s stress.
Overwhelm is like: I cannot make dinner or hold a conversation or think about doing laundry. Overwhelm is: my stomach hurts and I can’t breathe and there’s no way I could help you with anything right now. Overwhelm is way past the point of managing and handling the balls in the air…it’s the point where you let all the balls come crashing down because you are well and truly past any capacity to do a good job, let alone care, about the little things you can usually do or care about in any given moment. Overwhelm is when you need a time out, when you need to walk away, when you need to consciously breathe because there is literally no other option.
So I want to really highlight that overwhelm? It’s not good. We talk about overwhelm and we feel overwhelmed and we treat it like it’s some kind of thing we should expect and anticipate coming our way. Like it’s so ordinary. But overwhelm is NOT good. How about this: Jon Kabat-Zinn says this about overwhelm: that “our lives are somehow unfolding faster than the human nervous system and psyche are able to manage well.” Think about this: our lives are unfolding FASTER than our bodies can process. We are flooded by life and it’s just crashing over us, because our nervous systems cannot keep up. Yeah? Yeah. THAT is overwhelm.
You’re on the verge of not being able to function when you’re overwhelmed. You are not grounded, you don’t feel like you’re well-resourced, and remember that conveyor belt of chocolate in the I Love Lucy episode? It was just more and more and more, no slowing down, and there’s no way to handle what’s coming at you because you don’t have the skills or tools or time or energy or emotional capacity to deal with it. Ok. So…let’s take a deep breath here. Because, phew, sometimes even talking about it can summon up little hints of what it feels like, to be overwhelmed.
This is from Brene Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart. She wrote, “...researcher Carol Gohm used the term “overwhelmed” to describe an experience where our emotions are intense, our focus on them is moderate, and our clarity about exactly what we’re feeling is low enough that we get confused when trying to identify or describe the emotions. In other words: On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m feeling my emotions at about 10, I’m paying attention to them at about 5, and I understand them at about 2.”
I think this is a really critical part of this that I want to hit again here - when you’re overwhelmed, you’re not in a great place to handle things. I think a lot of times, we think we should be able to get through a day like we’re always well-rested and feeling good and things are going easily. That emotionally and mentally we’re feeling spacious and solid. But that isn’t the case. Sometimes, the smallest things are what send us over the edge into sheer overwhelm BECAUSE we aren’t at ALL well-rested or feeling good and things are actually enormously difficult. So yes, then we lose it when something really small happens and we wonder, and the people around us may wonder, what the heck is going on. Because on another day, in another situation, with other context, we would be able to handle it no problem.
So, I’m bringing this up now, I wanted to have this conversation with you now, because we’re heading into the school year, we’re getting back to routine and schedules and regular kid activities and homework and then there are the holidays…and well, I think this is something that, if we could look at it together now, from here, when we’re maybe NOT feeling overwhelmed, then we can take care of ourselves heading into it and look for signs that we are getting overwhelmed and ways to prevent it altogether. Yeah?
There are some things we can do to proactively stave off overwhelm. And this is going to be unique to you, things YOU can look for to take care of yourself. It’s not necessarily the same across the board and what I need may not be what you need, yeah? But I’ll give you some ideas anyway, ok? And some of this I do think is pretty universal…we are all individuals, but there are some things that are just HUMAN. Some things that humans just need to feel good and be healthy.
So, some obvious examples…getting enough sleep, staying hydrated, and regularly exercising. Again, basic and foundational building blocks, but pretty much nothing else matters if this stuff isn’t in place. Eating foods that work for your body. Again, this is unique to you, but it MATTERS. Then there are things like: do you need a lot of downtime? Do you need a lot of solitude? If so, don’t over-schedule yourself. Don’t cram your calendar full of social events. If you have a big work project or something you want to get done around the house, plan it out. Procrastination is only useful to a point…this will come back to bite you in the form of overwhelm if you rely on it too much.
More subtle but equally overwhelming things - having to make too many decisions. Decision-making is very expensive for our brains to do; it takes a lot of energy and effort. So we need to be mindful of that and if you’re in a decision-heavy situation, be gentle with yourself outside of that. Like, if you’re having to get a lot done and make a lot of decisions about a house project or a work project, maybe just order pizza tonight. Don’t make ANOTHER decision where dinner is concerned. Because it can get overwhelming.
Something else that can lead to overwhelm is when you’ve got a lot going and none of it benefits each other. Meaning: your kid needs help with homework and you have a work project going on. You have 2 things that need doing and your kid doesn’t care about work, and work doesn’t care about your kid. That’s a kind of silly example, but you see what I mean: there are some things that move the greater good forward and other things that are just so piecemeal that you have a LOT to get done, and nothing else is positively impacted by you working on one of those tasks. In fact, you working on task A just takes away from time you could be spending on task B or C, so those tasks are negatively impacted by your focusing on task A. Does that make sense?
There’s also a sense of having too many tabs open in your mind…know what I mean? Like you have SO many thoughts and you’re all over the place. You’re ping-ponging back and forth and you can’t focus on one thing for very long because you feel yanked over to another and then another. Sometimes we have to close a few tabs in our minds: this could mean delegating things to other people, letting things go, or just saying, “not today” to a worry, thought, or task.
So, something to pay attention to is, of course, where overwhelm pitfalls show up for you. What is it that overwhelms you? Where do you start spinning out? And again, this is kinda personal and unique…the things that overwhelm me may not overwhelm you. Or something that overwhelms you this week may be just fine in a couple weeks. We have to stay attuned to that inner experience and recognize the early red flags and cues from our own minds and bodies that things are headed in that direction.
Then…look at what you DO when you’re feeling overwhelmed. How do you react? And I’m using the word react on purpose here, and not the word RESPOND, because we absolutely cannot respond when we’re overwhelmed. There’s nothing conscious or calm or deliberate about our approach when we’re overwhelmed. We get very reactive. So what does YOUR reactivity look like?
Again, some examples…and these are real fun. Haha. Quick-rising anger. Yelling. Being really quick to snap or feeling just incredibly irritable about EVERYTHING. That sense that you have little to no resilience and can’t handle the ebbs and flows of life…like any little rough patch sends you absolutely ballistic. Also, alternatively: if you completely retreat inside yourself. You just shut down to the outside world. You feel frozen, stuck, and either completely numb to emotion OR totally FLOODED with emotion. These are all signs that you’re overwhelmed. And your nervous system is not able to keep up with the unfolding of life, as Jon Kabbat Zinn said so beautifully.
To boil this down - all of this reactivity is a sign that your nervous system is dysregulated; that your stress response has been activated and you’re feeling bombarded by threat, danger, emotion, and you’re unable to process and manage things as they’re coming your way. A lot of times we don’t recognize this is happening UNTIL we are this reactive. UNTIL we’re in it. UNTIL we see ourselves yelling or feeling frozen in the face of a decision or similar. We don’t recognize that we’re overwhelmed, basically, until we notice our behavior, our words, our actions.
This is where self-awareness comes in. When you see yourself getting reactive…ask WHY. And listen, I’ll be the first to admit this can’t always happen IN the moment. You’re not likely to get all reflective and quiet and curious while you’re feeling like you could throw things and scream into a pillow. But…you can do this after the fact. That’s fine. That works, too. And say: whoa, what happened there? You can repair conversations if and where you need to. Apologize for something you said or how you said it; repair after the fact MATTERS. You don’t have to catch yourself in the midst of it all…that’s ok. We’re human. But go back afterwards and say, huh, I think I was feeling overwhelmed. I think that’s what that was about. And own it with whoever you need to own it with. Hell, own it with YOURSELF. Be willing to name it, see it for what it is. And then look at what lead up to it. How did you get there? When / where / how / why did your nervous system get flooded? Reverse engineer it so that you can see what happened. This is one of those things to look for and know about yourself because, honestly, and not to be overly dramatic, but I do think this is true: you simply cannot live in overwhelm. It is NOT sustainable. There are other emotions and experiences that you can flow in and out of. Overwhelm isn’t one of them. It’s not something that just dissipates and you can go on your merry way. This one takes a toll. This is where we start seeing things like your health, your sleep, your sense of balance and ease in the world…it all takes a huge hit and you borderline can’t function and stay upright. This one is not a “nice to have.” It’s quite critical.
So, one last note…one idea, really the only idea, for when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Timeout. That’s it. You need some real, significant, non-doing time. No tasks, no chores, nothing productive. You cannot perform or get things done when you’re overwhelmed. You need a break. This is going to seem very counterintuitive and TRICKY for some of you go go go types who are obsessed with your to do lists and productivity. But I can almost promise you: when you’re overwhelmed and completely bowled over, anything you’re doing when you’re in this state isn’t going to go well. You’re just not at your best. You’re not able to be clear-headed and have perspective and do things as efficiently and cleanly as you normally would. So…don’t. Just don’t do things when you’re overwhelmed. Which saves you the struggle of having to do things AGAIN, since you’re likely doing things from a jacked-up, over-activated place, AND it gives you the space and time and break from the doing of things. All we DO is do things. We’ve turned into human doings instead of human beings. You’ll get back to doing things soon. When you’re overwhelmed is not the time to do more. It’s just the opposite of what you need and what’s useful and valuable long-term.
What you can do is: walk. I think this is maybe why walks were invented, haha. Get outside, get some fresh air, go for a walk. Breathe. Look UP. This is absolutely the antidote to overwhelm. Do nothing. No doing. Yes walking. Get outside and move. Quickest, cheapest, and most surefire fix to overwhelm. It’ll SEEM like you need to DO more to knock down the to do list and get OUT of overwhelm. But I promise you: you cannot meaningfully function WHILE you’re overwhelmed. The best thing to do is nothing…hold on, ride the wave, and when you’re on the other side, you can start going and doing again. You’ll be much more effective for it.
Alright, that’s it for today. But…before I leave you, I want to let you know that my fall mindfulness class, it’s called Be Mindful, Not Anxious, that class is going to be opening for enrollment SOON. We’ll be together for 6 weeks, it’s only going to be $59 for the 6 weeks, and you’ll have practices and meditations you’ll get to keep and work with forever. Be Mindful, Not Anxious. We’re going to start on Monday, September 16th. So, I’ll have links and more info for you SOON, but be sure you’re on my email list so you hear about that. www.kellyhanlinmccormick.com I will see you next week at the same time, same place for more transforming anxiety. And until then, please, take care.