Happy New Year! We made it to 2025...and so far most of what we've accomplished in Kansas City is a massive snowstorm. ❄️ Kinda fun, even if we're all climbing the walls at this point.
Late last year I did an episode about "mental load" and as soon as I recorded that one, I knew I wanted to do a related episode on the sister burden that we all carry every day: emotional load.
Mental load is all of the logistics: the figuring and sorting and scheduling and planning and carpooling and spreadsheeting.
Emotional load is the way it all FEELS, the emotional toll that accompanies the going and the doing. Plus the emotional cost that comes with reading the news of the day, hearing the latest from friends and family, and just getting through the hours, days, and weeks.
We aren't robots. We have feelings about ALL of it. And those feelings add up. It's what we're talking about on this week's episode of The Transforming Anxiety Podcast: emotional load.
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TRANSCRIPT:
Hey there, welcome in today. Happy New Year, we made it to 2025, how about that? We are absolutely BURIED in snow and ice, here in Kansas City, so it feels like we’re going to be doing a very slow transition back to work and school and routine and normalcy, but it’s also been kinda fun, honestly, to have this huge storm on the heels of the holidays. I hope you’re doing well, that you feel somewhat rested and relaxed, and that wherever and whenever you are, that this one is helpful for you. Right before the holidays I published the first podcast release in a WHILE, and I’m feeling really good. I heard from a lot of you while I was gone, that you were missing the pod and wanted more, and I had missed YOU and yes, mmm, it’s feeling really good to be back. I started prepping for this episode RIGHT after I finished the last one and I feel the momentum just pulling me forward. I have some good ideas for you coming up in 2025, too - I have some more author interview ideas, those are always fun; I’m going to be doing a “teach the teacher” series, where I interview some of MY teachers, and of course, more of this kind of thing. Just exploring some different topics and teachings together.
A while back I did an episode on “mental load” where we talked about how it’s not hard to do something like, say, cook dinner, BUT that DOES require a whole bunch of mental gymnastics like: what are we going to have for dinner and I need to get to the grocery store by this date because I don’t have time tomorrow to do it and we have to have dinner ready for this kid by 5:30pm because of archery practice and this other kid won’t be back until 6:30pm because of a chemistry study group and I need to get everyone dropped off and picked up and also I think we need to get the laundry out of the washer and did anyone walk the dog today? THAT is mental load. Making dinner? Not all that hard. But…making sure everything can happen so that DINNER CAN HAPPEN is really exhausting and takes a lot of mental sorting, figuring, and processing at times. And that is mental load. Mental load is about logistics and it’s usually to-do-list-oriented, things you can spreadsheet or check off as you go along. It is a LOT, but it also usually feels somewhat quantifiable. You know what I mean?
Today I want to talk about something related, but different, and that is: emotional load. Emotional load is similar to mental load in the sense that it’s the invisible weight that comes along with whatever we’re doing in life. But it’s not the mental part, that analytical or intellectual part. It’s the FEELINGS part. Because there are both, right? We have to sort out the logistics of whatever we’re doing: the dinner or the party or the holidays or work or the daily running of a household. There’s schedules and timetables and errands and chores, yes. But then there’s this other HUGE part that is arguably even MORE overlooked than the mental load: and that’s the emotional toll it takes. How much does it cost you emotionally? How do you FEEL before, during, and after? Does it energize you? Deplete you? Is it neutral to you emotionally? THIS is what I want to explore with you today…
And I KNOW, coming off of the holidays and getting started with a new year and getting everyone going again after a few weeks off, where things felt a little like “what day is it?” and all, that there is some heavy emotional load going around. I feel it, I see it around me in friends and family, and I’m hearing about it from students. There’s the letdown…and the startup. Here we go again.
So, I used the dinner example earlier. Gotta get to the store, time things right, make sure everyone is where they need to be at different times and places and feeding all the people. The logistics and timeline of that: the MENTAL LOAD. So let’s stick with that totally ordinary and everyday example and talk about the EMOTIONAL LOAD. Because, again, it’s one thing to execute logistics and plow through a schedule when you’re feeling good. When things are running smoothly and the people are in a good mood and everyone is pretty well cooperating and you are well-rested and had an easy work day and there wasn’t any traffic and you shared a solid belly laugh with your partner and the dog is just being so damn cute, how did you get so lucky? That’s one thing. It makes the mental load palatable, at least at times, when the machine is running according to plan and all of the people are being the best versions of themselves.
But…what about when things come off the rails a bit? Like…let’s say you are feeling an ongoing undercurrent of confusion because it seems like you and a friend have grown apart, but you have no idea what happened…did something happen? Did you say something or do something? You don’t know, but there’s a void in your social life, in your calendar, in your HEART because this friend isn’t reaching out anymore or responding to your invites. You’re hurting over it. Your younger kid is struggling a bit at school, they can’t seem to find their place in the world and is it because they’re a tween or is this like a legit, serious thing? You’re older kid’s friends have started driving…they’re driving CARS now and so you worry. You trust them and you love them but you worry. They’re driving CARS. How and why are they old enough to drive CARS? Work has been feeling a little meh lately; you just aren’t vibing with it or into it the way you used to be. Is this middle age? Is this because you’re tired all the time and you feel like you’re losing your edge? Why are you tired all the time? Is THAT middle age? You and your partner are like 2 ships in the night; you cohabitate but you haven’t really talked or laughed together for days, weeks. You’re worried about a friend whose mom is terminally ill; you’re thinking about one of your kids’ friends who just got dumped by their boyfriend; you’re wondering about the latest headlines and breaking news; seriously, WHAT is going on in the world? Ok, you get it…THIS is general emotional load. This is the ongoing, internal chatter of thoughts that create big feelings that are constantly and continuously vibrating through you which you can either try and ignore OR you wind up having to spend some amount of time listening to, feeling, understanding, and processing. Which is typically no small amount of work and not something that magically happens on auto-pilot in the background.
That’s one example of emotional load…
Another example of emotional load is when it’s more acute. When it’s right in the moment. Ok, here’s a silly example. We’ll do a couple of examples because this one is fun, but a little silly BUT it also proves the point, I think. Have you watched the show Shining Vale on Netflix? This is my current show; I don’t know why, but it seemed right for after the holidays. Courteney Cox, Greg Kinnear, is she losing her mind? Is the house haunted? I don’t know yet. But: she’s a writer and she works from home, she writes in the attic and grapples with the teens and their new, potentially haunted house, and the dog, and all the things. And he works in the city at a big corporate job. So one day, he’s home from work and just bored or something and she’s finally in the flow, writing and it’s all just clicking. And he comes up to the attic to tell her that he’s going to go to the farmer’s market to a juice bar. And, haha, ok, she’s NOT nice to him at all in this scene I’m talking about. But also: it is SO relatable. She kinda loses her mind and is like: listen, if I’m up here, if you hear me typing or talking to myself or pacing or whatever, assume that I’m working and do NOT come up here. Because, she’s saying, when she gets interrupted, it’s not the 3-minute interruption that’s the problem. It’s that whatever it is, a kid she has to worry about, or something that needs her attention, or someone who WANTS her attention, it’s that the time and energy and emotional load of handling the interruption and THEN changing gears and shaking that off and getting back to work…that is expensive. It’s hard to do. It’s not a switch that she can flip, she can’t just get right back to it, get right back to work, get right back to writing. She has to pause and exhale and shake that all off…and then try to get back in the zone, the thoughts and feelings and flow that she was in, so that she can create and produce and write again. It’s HARD. It’s energetically expensive. And, her point, that again, she doesn’t make very kindly to her husband, Greg Kinnear, the well-intentioned but kinda dumb Terry, is that the emotional load of that interruption is TOO MUCH for her to bear while she’s working. So, she perhaps could have communicated in a more clear and kind way, please respect that I’m working and don’t give me a 2-hour, emotionally expensive load to bear for a seemingly innocuous 2-minute question about whether I want juice from the farmer’s market, or not.
I kinda recommend the show, though. I’m not too far into it, but I’m digging it. It’s creepy and kinda funny and sassy and if you’re a perimenopausal work-from-home mom of teens, I dunno. Kinda strangely there are some things that feel a bit relatable. Much of it is just hilarious Hollywood nonsense, but anyway, if you’re snowed in this week or this winter, give it a whirl. Shining Vale…it’s on Netflix.
Ok…back to emotional load…
Much like mental load, it’s not the interruptions that are hard. Or that having kids or working or being close to your family and friends or having dreams or desires or goals is hard or inherently difficult. It’s ALL the feelings that come along with that. It’s when you hear a bit of news and you think, my goodness, how does that FEEL? How are the people in that news story FEELING? Do you think about this? Like, the reason it can be so trying to be plugged into current events and the news cycle is because of the emotional load of it all. You can’t just hear a tidbit on the news or read something online and think, “oh, ok, that’s happening.” You think about the tragedy or the anger or the change or the uncertainty that’s involved. You think about how the lottery winner feels and what they’ll do, how their life will change. You think about the families and friends of victims of violence and what just happened in New Orleans and all the things that continue to happen around the world and you think about and FEEL the heaviness of it. You think about the New Year and how many people are experiencing firsts: first year of holidays and birthdays and anniversaries without a loved one, first year of a job, first year with a baby, first year with a puppy, first year of an empty nest, first year in a new city or state or country. You think about all of that when you hear something or read something or happen by something…and then you FEEL it. You don’t feel every single thing, sure. We have to become somewhat immune to the feelings of every news article or story or headline, otherwise we’d just bleed out and spend all day everyday processing how it feels to feel all the feelings of every situation we become aware of. But…but…particularly for those of you who are highly sensitive, who are empathic, who are deeply compassionate people…the emotional load of moving about the world is heavy. It’s a lot. And it’s something worth discussing because something I think we’re looking around going, wait a second, why can’t I get with the program? Why does this seem sad or tricky or bug me to no end? Well. Emotional load, that’s why. Things don’t happen in a vacuum. Things don’t happen “out there.” We aren’t blissfully unaffected by the happenings and goings on of the world.
And: I don’t think we WANT to be. Truly. I don’t think we want to reach a state of emotional immunity, where we DON’T feel what it feels like to be interconnected with the whole of humanity. I think we want to experience the highs and lows of what’s happening around us…to an extent. I think we want to be plugged in, but not yanked around. If that makes sense. Meaning: I don’t think we want to erase emotional load. Or avoid it. But I DO think the more we are aware that it’s a thing, that we carry the emotional weight and emotional profusion of what’s happening in life, our lives AND the world around us, if we know that we are subject to some amount of emotional load, we can take care of ourselves around it.
We don’t have to judge ourselves for not always being chipper or easygoing or quick to get on with the day. We don’t have to beat ourselves up for moving more slowly after we hear heavy news, or read something disturbing. We don’t have to expect that we, OR the people around us, are going to move on, robot-like, when things are difficult or sad or uncertain. We can make a little space and allowance for the emotional load that we, and the people around us, are carrying.
Now, I know that I personally tend to be a little on the MORE end of feeling the emotional load. I have certainly witnessed people who are either dealing with something big in their lives or are living in uncertain times or hear something tragic and can kinda shrug it off and seem to, pretty easily, just move on with their day. That is NOT me. I’m not good at hearing something big and then being like, “ok, yeah, that happened…and what sounds good for dinner?” I know, like I said, that I tend towards the MORE end of the spectrum of the emotional load. I’m wired in a way, that strong enneagram 4 wing in me, that means the feelings are BIG. The emotional load is HEAVY. And some of you know this to be true about yourselves, too. That big news makes you want to weep or hug someone or just lay down on the floor with the dog and stare into the eyes of a completely unconditionally loving being. And some of you are a bit more adept with compartmentalizing that, and I don’t say that in a bad way…or even just looking at something and saying, and knowing, “that’s not mine, I don’t have to feel that one all the way through” and you can just keep going through the day. I’ve certainly had moments of that, sure. But by and large, the emotional load for me, personally, is pretty heavy. And I think THIS is the piece that’s helpful to be aware of. To know how burdensome the emotions can get and what you’re likely to be in for, meaning: here’s what it likely cost, if / when I get knocked off course.
Sometimes we can’t help it. We get news or read something or hear something and bam, we’re all caught up in the emotional load of it. Other times, we can opt in or OUT. Or rather, we can choose to opt in OR we can choose to take care of ourselves and not belly up to the rabbit hole to begin with. You don’t have to scour the news or gossip with the other moms or engage in social media feeds that you KNOW are going to be emotionally heavy lifting for you. We cannot control the external world, nope. But we CAN control what we expose ourselves to, what we purposefully let in for NO good reason. And that is the part that is super helpful to understand and stay aware of and ACT on for yourself. No more of that, “well I know this doesn’t work for me but I do it anyway” nonsense. I can say stuff like that because it’s January and we’re all here for doing things in new and better and smarter ways, we’re all up to strong starts and all. Haha, we’d have to talk about it differently come spring. But, for NOW, we’re going to say: no thank you. I’m going to be careful and mindful and thoughtful about what I take in. Because: I know the emotional load around certain things is HEAVY.
Ok…I think that’s a good place to leave it for today. I like to keep these kinda short. I don’t know about you, but there are whole podcasts I miss out on because they’re just too damn long. It’s too much, haha. So. We’ll keep these short and sweet. That’s how I like it.
Emotional load. Mental load and now emotional load. 2025. Snowstorms. Here we go. You ready? Let’s do this…we can do it together.
Alright, that’s it for today. I will see you next week at the same time, same place for more transforming anxiety. And until then, please, take care.